Parents bear tremendous responsibility, more than they are given credit for. They tend to the home and further career pursuits to achieve financial stability in order to provide the best possible life for their children. They care for aging loved ones, actively participate in their respective places of religious worship, participate in community events and volunteerism… the list goes on and on. Finding time to connect with your child is likely high on your priority list, and chances are, you are doing a better job of it than you’re giving yourself credit for. Nonetheless, given the multitude of demands on parents, it can be a real challenge to find time for parent-child connection each day, yet it undoubtedly remains a vital component of healthy childhood development. Described below, are two parenting strategies that require little amount of time, but, when done on a consistent basis, yield strong results. Just as you may give your child a daily multi-vitamin, when children receive a daily dose of these two things, they experience a deep sense of connection with you!
Strategy # 1 - Child-Directed Play:
Child-directed play is the act of setting aside 15-30 minutes a day during which you give your child permission to choose an activity to do with you. The child directs the play which means the parent refrains from making suggestions, setting the expectations, leading the play in any way, or controlling the outcome. Simply put, the child decides what to do and how to do it. To do this effectively (and it is much easier said than done), I recommend the following:
Avoid passive activities like watching T.V. or watching them play a video game.
Allow the child to choose what activity to do, but set the expectation that they choose something active such as pretend play with toys, reading a book, dramatic play with puppets or musical instruments, creative play with arts & crafts, or athletic play such as going for a walk or tossing a ball.
The child decides the rules and leads how the play will go; the child is totally free to decide the course of the play.
For adolescents, invite them to teach you about something they are excited about – a hobby, an instrument they are learning, a political or social ideology they are passionate about.
- Avoid the use of media devices during child-directed play. Technology tends to preoccupy the them, taking their attention away from you and focusing it on the device.
- In contrast, for adolescents, given the fact that technology is such a huge part of their lives, incorporating the use of a media device may be the only way to connect with them. That’s ok, go where their interests take them, and follow along.
- Turn your mobile devices off and place them in a different room. Children have become accustomed to adults grabbing their cell phones with every ding and buzz that is set to alert them. Having your devices in another room assures your child that you won’t become distracted by the device nor will you be anticipating any alerts that may require your immediate attention.
- Spending 15 to 30 minutes a day engaged in child-directed play can truly transform a strained parent-child relationship or enhance one that is already strong. If you have more than one child, devote 15-30 minutes to each child individually for best results!
Strategy #2 - Mirroring:
Mirroring your child is one of the most important parenting tools you can have in your toolbox. It is an extremely important component to parent-child communication and works best if used daily. It is a tool that can be used at any moment – when your child is excited about something new and wants to share it with you, when you need to help them manage a strong emotion, or in times of parent-child conflict. Mirroring involves four main actions on the part of the parent:
- Step One: Find and maintain a calm demeanor. You are settling in to a period of intentional focus on your child. Clear out any distractions from your mind, body, and emotions.
- Step Two: Repeat back, out loud, exactly what your child says. Listen some more. Repeat. Refrain from speaking your thoughts, opinions, or beliefs. Simply mirror.
- Step Three: Periodically reflect to your child, what you think they may be feeling. “You’ve told me all about your upcoming role in the school musical. It seems like you’re feeling proud about that and maybe a little nervous too.”
- Step Four: Reflect upon what that was like for you, as the parent, to communicate with your child in this way. How did you experience this? How did it leave you feeling? How do you think your child felt?
What matters during a period of mirroring is not so much the content of what your child is saying to you, but what you are conveying to your child about how open you are to hearing them and how accurate you are when listening. Mirroring is easier said than done. It can become especially difficult to balance mirroring with other important parenting tools such as guiding, redirecting, or limit setting. Mirroring should not replace these vital tasks; it is a strategy to add to your current repertoire of parenting tools.
Lauren Hufnagel, LCSW has many years of training and experience in mirroring children and adolescents. She offers parent-child counseling sessions during which a parent can learn and practice the art of this beautiful way of communicating with their children.